sorry i haven't been updating the blogger, guys. i'm just going through some mood swings right now (sad to say.) i hope i'm not bipolar. hehe. but naw, i am fortunate for all the blessings in my life. God has given me an abundance of joy. but He has also given me (and all of us) free will. i'm just hit by reality right now. i feel guilty for being distant with God... i do remind myself (a lot) how much God is to me, but my focus has currently been a blur. and i just think about my mom. how she's been dealing with the loss of her job... it's an amazement to see (after all the things she've been through) that she still holds her sanity. yeah, she has lost some of herself, but still praises God and maintains a love inside. i just wish i can do so much more for her... i feel like what i'm doing for her and everybody is not enough. and yes, it will never be enough. but i know that it is enough to keep people satisfied... i guess i should step up to the fact that i need to satisfy myself, first. i am content with all the friends and loved ones i have... and i know more will come along the way... it's just, i want to show all of you more than what i illustrate in front of you. i want to re-open a love i've shared to many long ago. i want to show my love for God, again. i miss being a servant for all of you... i miss being a servant for Him and Mama. i want to combine my newly-found openness and my old reflection of God's love... i love all of you. i can express it as many times as i want, but i can never express the 100 percent... haha, yeah... it sounds all crazy... but man, if i would tell you the whole story, you might be overwhelmed... but yeah, i'm using this post as a shining moment. i'm just being real with all of you...

this is especially a message for all of you who are close (and who were close.) i'm sorry i'm all distant and crap. but i have never demoted your position in my heart. let's just say, all of you are segments in my circle... you're all the same distance from the center. i wish i can juggle all of you at the same time, but of course, i'm human. but deep down, i'm still praying for each and every one of you. i hope all of you are safe and sound.

just pray for me, for i'm lost at the moment. your prayers and presence are all i need right now...

lastly, i want to apologize to someone who i recently became distant with. we were getting so close again... but after awhile, i've lost contact... i mean, i know you were busy, and i thank you for re-assuring that you're still thinking about me. i'm just afraid of how i feel about you. i'm being distant because i wanna let go of these feelings for you. i do miss you, but like in my other posts: i miss you so much, that i'm falling for you. but i do realize keeping distance is just bullcrap. i just want to hug you and tell you everything you are to me... but for now, i guess i'll just remain my status as a friend... i'm sorry for ever calling you ading... i will find a way to tell you everything one day...
posted by J-Rard at 11:34 PM