t h er e c a p
s i m p l i f i e d

[sun 2/02/2003] mood song: papa roach - time and time again (the song has nothing to do with the day; i just like the song... pepsi blue!) yeah, time and time is the song they play in that pepsi blue commercial with all the dudes driving crazy. but moving on =O ... heh. sunday, i went to the 12:15 mass. somehow, i came late to this one... actually, i think was the 2nd time... so i chilled in the back... i looked around to see where ading trish was (since she usually sat in the area i was at)... i saw her sitting with uncle ray, auntie beth, and thea. so yeah, during the sign of peace, i came up to them... yada yada... after mass, i said hi to the lil' sisters and brothers... and whoever i passed by. so yeah, after that, i went by gamestop to reserve "the wind waker" for gamecube... then thea called me up to see where i was... she was gonna stop by the house to wait for trisha... so yeah, after i came home, thea came over and we just chilled. she told me about the dance and erthang... man, i gotta give much props to that girl; she was chosen as senior princess and all the good junk =) man girl, much props to you! plus, she also had to do all her yearbook and committee stuff... so much props to quito for his patience. but overall, man.. girl, if you ever need a break, my hotel/house is always a good pitstop. hehe. also to everyone else who stops by the house: the same message is for all y'all... oh yeah, she told me the story of trisha and peter during miss olp... funny stuff... hahaha... i guess it's cuz peter looked too filipino or something. trick trick*... oh man, thea... u become girlier and girlier every minute... haha just kidding. homegirl was just very elegant that day. =P... hehe... so hmm... after that, ading trish came... i introduced the girls to the brian mcknight song that was in tagalog. yep... brian mcknight sings tagalog* "the sorry song" is what it's called. so yeah... trisha and thea were gonna jet to the park. they invited oliver, raff, and me to come along... so yeah, we did... oliver and raff, man... those guys are like... if they weren't straight, they would be an odd couple. haha... they like almost match whenever together... gay stuff, man. but yeah, i told oliver one day, "is raff your b***h?" haha. so yeah, afterwards... i forget what happened... but i just rested for most of the day... i think wait... nyeah, i forget... oh yeah, ccd for the confirmands that night... i forget man... hehe... i think i kicked it with lil' bro, quan, again... oh yeah... i think that's it... wait... no? i forget... i think yeah, some guys came over, and yeah... i don't really recall... cuz every weekend's usually like that... homeboys at my house... but yeah, i think that's when quan and i had a good, long talk... what am i saying? we always do... hah... but yeah... hmmm... that's the gist...

[mon 2/03/2003] mood song: mxpx - responsibility what's that? not quite yet... haha... yep, it was the first day of school... highlights? hmmm... i finally got a math class... yeah yeah... and it's pretty tight... i have my past spanish teacher, senora charles' husband, mr. charles... he's a cool dude. oh yeah... i also saw some old schoolmates back in the day: sam, jaydee, mike, and justina... and yeah, i also ida-mae there, too... that was so sweet... i like my classes... hmmm... and then let's see: after that, i forget what i did... then around 6:30, i went to my english class... finally got that one, too... it goes until 9:10.... which is aight... my teacher, professor hermanns, for english is cool, too... i saw my friend, gina, in that class... if you ever asked how the girls in my classes are, i'd tell you they're all beautiful and kind-hearted... hehe... so yeah... it's been sweet so far...

[tues 2/04/2003] to be continued...
posted by J-Rard at 12:35 AM

It is hard (nowadays) to keep focus on the Target. While some of us aim at the Tiny Dot... Debris, dust, particles - you name it - can blur our view. So many distractions are caught within this air of life... The longer we take to let go of that band, the more the air becomes polluted... And finally, your focus becomes slim... Sure, it's not easy... But what's a better time to shoot the arrow while the the view is somewhat clear?

Let go, and let God...
posted by J-Rard at 12:03 AM

ok... i came to a conclusion... (sorry btw for those that read the recaps... the good times will roll as soon as i accomplish something...) if i want to "let go" of this feeling... oliver suggested i should just let her know... and if it happens, it happens... i don't know... i don't wanna jeopardize this circle of friendship... that's all... but i do know expression of feelings always takes risks... no matter what... and i know the people that love me will understand everything... so i will say wassup... but hot dang... why? why did she have to tell me she used to like me? man... lol, i know some of the homeys are feeling me... but naw... it's cool... cuz all along, while i was moving on... a piece of my heart was still thinking about her... the masks are removed from my heart's face... you know what's funny, too? it started back from the "what if" question with one of my adings... hehe... i mean... i'm not gonna ask her to be my girlfriend... i'm just gonna say... (in short) "i know how you don't want me to hold back things... so i have to let you know that i like you, again... but, i didn't wanna say anything, cuz i don't want to ruin your happiness... i just want you to stay content... that's all i care about... but i just wanna thank you for everything you..." just read my last blog...! hehe... but seriously... i have to let her know... i want to let her know... it's not a "i want you to be my girlfriend"... even though i do... it's more of a "i just wanna let you know how special you are to me"... but yeah, thank you, everyone for helping me out... much love and respect to y'all... and yea, if it's on target... i'm gonna be soooo happy... but yeah, i'm not looking forward to it, yet... =) clare's right: we'll remain friends... even if it will make her avoid me for awhile... i doubt that, though
posted by J-Rard at 12:21 AM

man... i can't sleep right now... i'm thinking about "it", again... i don't know, the pain's growing on me, again... but as i vent out on this blog, i have to come to a conclusion that... even though i'm giving up on something that i want so much, i know i have to let go for the sake of her own happiness. i just want her to be happy... that's all i care about. and that's how much i care about her. i do regret not showing such an affection for her. but like she says, "next time..." i'm not looking forward to another next time, but i will continue to pray for her joy to be healthy and light. i know God set a purpose for many things... and He doesn't make flaws. i wish i can see the premonition of love... but love is God. and God is very unpredictable. so i will never know who that next girl might be... i just know that i will have to make risks to find out... ... i can't tell her how much i wish to be with her... i can't tell her how much of a guardian angel she's been to me... i can't tell her that her seed she placed in my heart, has grown into a delicate rose... i dream for so many things... and yet, they can only remain dreams... =( i dunno. i guess things are meant to stay inside the store, if you know what i mean. but no matter what, my level of love for her will never change. i thank her so much for filling a myriad of pages in the book of my life so far. and i hope to see the upcoming chapters... if you know who you are, thank you for everything you've given to me. i hope i won't take them for granted. i miss you so much; you don't even know... i do love you... i know those words are strong, but that's how much of an impact you placed in this heart of mine. but all in all, i wish for your happiness... if i do have to fade these feelings i am holding by a string, the image of your love will never waiver in these eyes of mine... i will always wish upon the stars set inside your beautiful eyes... i will always feel warmth from your glowing smile... i will always feel soothed and calm by your sweet voice... and most of all, i will never forget the presence i have come to know and cherish. thank you... and much love to you. if it happens, it happens... but i'll do my best to never change my title to you as a friend...
posted by J-Rard at 3:53 AM

finishing recap on clare's bday: basically, clare's bday party became a success... the girl was so heavenly, i tell you. that's why i'm so glad to be a kuya of hers... man... clare, if your debut's so moving... watch... i might cry during your wedding... shoot, i don't care if that sounds gay... i'm f'real! hopefully i'll have a wife to cry on... lol! but man, i'm so fortunate to be a participant of such an event. i love you very much... you don't even know... =) hehe... end for now...
posted by J-Rard at 12:03 AM

thinking... oh yeah, i forget when... but i chilled with gabe and quan on a tuesday, right?... we all went to mchs... and jay and i got caught for trespassing the school... it's cuz jay looked old... haha... so yeah, they warned us not to come back... or we'll get "arrested"
posted by J-Rard at 11:58 PM

recapping as a whole...

well... after the last episode of me having a talk with God, i've been chillin'. hmmm... oh yeah, around monday, i met up with willie, cuz he came back from the p.i. i think this was the 27th of january. yeah... we just went pooling, and then we picked up my mom. yep. later on, i called up clare to with her a happy 18th bday! yep! (look back at bday tribute for january 27...) i told her i'll treat her out the next day... tues128: around 12ish or something, i went to pick up ac at her work during break... haha, it was sad; i got lost finding her place... oh well... so yeah, we then went to eat out at in n out... dang, man... all i have to say is that girl loooooooves ketchup! lol =) she has a thing with straws, too... hehe. watch, she's trained to kill with straws. just kidding! but yeah, we had good talks, and somehow... i clowned her a lot that day... it was all outta love, ading =D... but yeah, i owe you the other half of my bday present =D. it was basically the last ccd before march... nothing biggie i guess... wed129 i finally got to bond with my ading, thea, again. i miss her closeness. so yeah, we talked for a long while... i finally brought her bday present: a january beanie baby and a rose. i gave a rose to uncle arno and auntie cathy in commemoration of their anniversary the day before. hehe, she was eating her leftovers from claim jumper's and stuff. hmm, yeah, we chilled in her living room for the whole time. so yeah, it was sweet. miss ya, ading! hmmm... what else...? thurs130 we had dance practice at allegro. and then we had ida's dance grooves. lol! yep! hmm... and i think ... oh you know what's funny? when i saw ida, i came up to her and hugged her... she didn't remember my name... =/... haha, oh well... but yeah, we tight now. umm... it was fun fun! fri131 i forget... i think i hung out with mum... i don't remember? sat201 ading clare's bday!!! woohoo!!! well, woohoo that it was her party that day... i wasn't feeling myself, though... sad thing, too... i forgot her present and my 'rents wouldn't let me drive cuz my insurance didn't renew yet... =/... so yeah... but i got to meet neil, teresa, jackie, and some others... hey ac, i think your friends are kyot. lol... some like teresa and rose-marie; rose-marie can dance and has a nice smile... teresa is very sweet to talk to and is also pretty... but don't worry, you're always number 1 in my list! =D j/teasing, ac! hehe... neil seemed pretty tight, too. hmmm... yeah, i gave the invocation fo my lovely sister... haha, i made her cry... awwwwwwwwwwww! =*) i didn't wanna grub as much that night, cuz yeah... girls were there. haha, j/keeding! =) but yeah, like i said, i was feeling sick and pretty down that night... i didn't get a chance to socialize with clare's friends and tell how sweet and awesome she is to me =/... oli and i were then 2 of the roses for ac... i got to do my genuine "rose" move with her... hehe... no one has ever done that, so i feel proud! =) ummm... hmmm... oh yeah, i felt happy when ... well, lemme tell you the whole background, first... jb's very shy with clare's friends... yeah, jb's clare's lil' bro... so yeah, a lotta girls were diggin him... haha, you lil' pimp! but yeah... he was shying away from them... but when he saw me, he hugged me and sat on my lap... like u know, as if he knew me very well already... i love that dude, man... that's why clare and her family can almost be my fam, too! =) i love ya, miss ading! one thing, though... none of the girls were checking this out, man... dangit... haha... j/k... but yeah, everything was pretty nice... i felt bad though, cuz i knew clare was worried of me... =/... i wanted her to be happy and just to have fun... i'm glad she did... and man, when i saw her friend dancing, i was so much in the urge to go up to her and just do my thang... haha, i wanted to dance with ac, too... actually, i just wanted to dance! even though i suck... haha... but yeah, it was all gravy-lavy... to be continued
posted by J-Rard at 9:19 PM

I know I've been lagging on recapping my blog. I've just been dealing with another battle of finding my true self. I don't know, man... I guess I'm at a crazy climax in life... Well, actually, I take that back... It's like, what? I'm only 19! I guess my last year of adolescence is hitting me... It's like, I'm almost an adult, y'know? But yeah, I'm feeling okay, now...
posted by J-Rard at 2:31 AM

Oh yeah, while I'm starting to grow into a good mood, I just learned some reasons why I can be a real brother to some people:

Clare: Clare has a brother named Gerard and Gerardo, Jr. ... And her dad's name is Gerardo... So yeah, I think I can fit in perfectly... Just kidding! There's only one Gerard Bagalso. Plus, I have much love for Auntie Carol. Man, you guys shoulda seen Clare on her debut... =) She was so lovely! Love you, AC!

Trisha: Believe it or not; if Trisha was going to be a boy (thank God she's a she LOL), her name would've been Gerard, also. Plus, it took awhile for Auntie Beth to get Trisha... Same thing happened to me... Both my Mom and Auntie prayed to St. Gerard for a child... And we were the first ones to come... Only thing, Trish is the only child.

Thea: Okay, for some traits, Ading Thea and I are into our faith... Plus, we were both born on the 22nd day of a month that only has the number 1 in it (11 - November... 1 - January) Both of us had a parent that was either in the Navy... Or was about to go into spiritual vocation... Uncle Arno was in the Navy, and so was my Dad... Auntie Cathy was about to become a nun. My Pop was about to become a priest.

All in all, I'm close with all of these girls... I'm so lucky to be in touch with their families... JB is usually timid around Clare's friends... But when he sees me, he acts like I'm a real kuya. Gerard and I are tight, too. I haven't met Uncle Gerry yet... But I feel close with Auntie Carol already. ... I know Trisha has a lotta "sisters", but then, I guess I was the first to permanently become a close-to-real kuya to her. Haha, plus it's official I'm Auntie Beth and Uncle Ray's adopted son! Haha, and I used to think Auntie wasn't really feeling me, cuz I couldn't speak tagalog =D... Hehe. But yeah, Trish, I guess you aren't an only-child... I've known Uncle Arno and Auntie Cathy for a long time... Plus, Marvin is close enough to be my kuya, too. Thea and I have known each other for a freakin' long time... Well, maybe for 3 or 4 years... But yeah, it feels life-long to me! =) Plus, she let me meet Trisha and everyone else... Those two, man... Haha, and Ading Clare is still my Air-Con =D I vent to her a lot... And she cools me down... =) Much love, y'all... More sibling-realizations to come!
posted by J-Rard at 11:13 PM

You know how people say: If you let your feelings out to someone, and their feelings aren't the same... Then you won't get hurt as much... But if you hold it in, and never tell that person... And you coulda had a chance? It'll hurt like heck! ... However, they left out another option... You don't have to tell the person, 'cause it might interfere something... And you can just throw away those feelings in a freakin' dumpster! I'm out...
posted by J-Rard at 10:43 PM

Some battles are meant to be lost... However, the war still goes on... And I know I'm stubborn at defeat... But I have to focus my mind on winning more of the other fights... This life-long event is devastating... And yet... Through pain, pleasure is the outcome... So yeah... This sucks like shit, but at least I can clean it off...

But gosh damn! This hurts like a mother!
posted by J-Rard at 10:28 PM

site of the week
the dirty baby!



posted by J-Rard at 1:52 AM

p.s. i miss you, too... and i wanna say i'm sorry, again... i know you don't like me saying sorry... but i just wanna say that i'm sorry for calling you an ading... after hearing something you said, it re-awakened my feelings for you... but i'm not going to say anything for now, for i know you're busy... but no matter what, i'll pray for you, and i'll be here for you... if you ever need to vent out your stress, i will be here... if you need a shoulder to cry on, i will be here... i'm not looking in asking you to be my girlfriend, but i just wanna let you know... =( however, that has to come to next time... and i can wait for that next time... i miss ya... but i miss ya in a way that i want to hold your hand and see you smile and turn red at the moment our hands touch... i know this can risk our friendship now, but i realize... relationships going to a greater point are always far distances to jump... but i'm willing to see what happens... i've thought about it for a long time... n i discovered that sweet lady i dream of is you... hehe, and i know i haven't met every person on this earth... =) but without a doubt, there is only 1 you... =)
nobody tell this to her, ok? i know who you are... and you know who i'm talking about... and just to note... i wrote this cuz i know she won't see it anyway... right ******?!?! j/k... but yeah, seriously... i just had to let this out... and from this moment... i'll keep quiet until my heart tells me to pursue... i'm just happy at the moment that we're kinda close again... and i'm gonna try my best to be there for her... only if she opens the door and invites me in... if you know what i mean... =) but yeah, life's moving on... and i have other people to think about
posted by J-Rard at 1:49 AM

well... i haven't blogged for ages... actually, i just haven't recapped... haha... but basically, to talk about what i did for the past few weeks: i had hangout times with friends - garvin, gabe, thea, trish, lil' bro, clare, jay, willie, peter, norman, quan, jasmine, jeremy, vanessa, mom ... whoever... but let's see... where was i last time?
thursday, thea's bday celebration, continued well... after the cake sharing, thea got caked... it was very subtle though... for the shibang was about to occur... after she cleaned herself in the bathroom (doesn't sound right)... when she came out, peter and i grabbed her... and so i carried her outside... she was all like, "gerard!? where are you bringing me?!?" and then low and behold, the whip cream patrol caked her allllll over! and u know what?! i had to get caught in the crossfire... oh well... hehe... hmm... afterwards, we all chilled... but yeah, that's the gist and erthang... trisha and katrina actually look alike... and yeah, i got to know some of the olpers... blah, end... oh yeah, got in trouble cuz i took everyone home late... hmmm monday after the party: helped thea get a present for her... it was a cardboard cut-out of yoda =D... then trisha, peter, thea, and i went to the yoda lady's house... inside joke: harder... deeper... =D... ... don't ask. hmmm... thea fed us mini deep dish pizza, fish, and other stuff... whatta cook =D haha... ummm... thea and i embarrassed trisha by showing peter her blogger... haha... it's okay ading... =) we enhanced the relationship... j/k =D... but yeah, that was the whole night... umm... hmm... i'm just thinking of the memorable times... oh yeah, tuesday, helped quan get his present for thea... i was supposed to help him deliver the present wednesday, but i got caught in a myriad of activities... gabe and i were supposed to take a test... we came late... umm... we attacked jasmine's car... to be continued... dad needs the computer... props to my pop man... continuing as of 106 hours... i had to get keys to the church (out of chronological order btw), had to go to the video presentation for my dad (dang, man... he embarrassed me...), gabe visited tina... all this stuff! but yeah, i apologized to quan, and he's cool with it... thursday... i think 1/23... there was no practice... except for a chill night at trish's... oh yeah... i got to know jasmine a lil' bit better... except for the fact when i'm in presence with a new lady, i tend to get nervous... well, just recently... i mean, i did have the same personality in the past... but ever since graduation, i was so kick back... i guess the past just wanted to come back on the crack of 2003... =/... but yeah, i mean, i'm feeling good again... kinda... i'm just empty at times... i think it's an after effect from my car accident... =/... nyeah... but yeah... so we all just chilled at trish's... had kfc... umm... practiced the waltz a lil... ading vanes was my sub =D yay! and and... oh... quan and i stayed at trish's for the longest time cuz gabe was doing something... i have no idear what he was doing... so yeah... peter had to drop us off... lesson i learned: i'll insist on me driving from now on... but yeah, gabe's learning time management now... =P... hmm... yeah, quan knew i haven't been myself lately... like i'm dealing with complexities or what not... that's why i can easily relate to trisha... and also adding stuff like we can stress over lil' things, do artsy stuff with the left hand... i don't know if she does sports with right hand, too... there's a great guilt trip... and other stuff... actually... i can relate to all my adings... go figure. let's see... yeah... something happened to gabe afterward... i let him stay at my house for a few hours... i felt fruity comforting him... but a brother's gotta do what a brother's gotta do... don't let him know i typed this here... lol... much love to you and tina... but that's all past... i'm just glad everything's cool now... yeah, man... i'm always here for you and tina... you're like one of those couples i love to hang out with... =D... friday... don't know... lol... oh oh oh ! yeah... it was clare's day off or something... no... wait, yeah, it was my chill day with her! and guess who she asked to come along... well asked me to tell him at least... garvin! yeah yeah yeah... it was scary... i knew my ading wouldn't let go of an acquaintance like that, though... ac's very loving... =D haha... she asked him to come cuz she wanted him to say sorry personally... sad thing was... homey got the man thing down about the difficulty of saying sorry... i feel ya, garvin, *cough cough*... *pounds chest*... =D naw, seriously? i know you have it in you... so yeah... i got hooked up biggy with the mongolian noodles again... clare was pissed the whole day cuz garvin was being a shy baby... and hmm... clare had to go later... she said she had fun with "only" me... garvin! you can do it next time! oh yeah, garvin and quan hanged out at night... we just chilled... went to marketplace for awhile cuz i knew t-uh was there... talked with uncle and auntie cathy... dang, dude... ading thea's so cool... she like hangs out with parents and erthang! haha, i love that girl... saw ate ruth and kuya keiran... saw some dance team homeboys/gals... haha, my ccd student, karla (my friend, carlos' lil' sister), told me in ccd class she saw me this night... cuz she's a part of dance team with her sister... =D ... and yeah... went to quan's to get thea's present... we dropped it off to her... then i dropped the dudes home... hmm... saturday: i wasn't myself man... the sickness of the deguzman family hit me... yup... season of the cold... =/... and yeah, i was down cuz of some other stuff... however, i made it to lil' bro, mike bravo's party... i gave the guy 10 bucks... yeah, i suck... lol... i don't know what to give 13 year olds... =D... saw the pretty ladies of ro... saw nelson and ana... umm... yeah, just the usual... jason, too... and yeah... oliver and i left the party around 5ish... i was about to sleep... but i just called 'pearly' to see wassup with her... yeah, i miss being close with her... i guess that's why check up on her a lot now... so yeah... i was talking with clare that night... and suddenly, the door bell rings... a short girl was standing at the entrance... haha... so yeah, i told clare i'd call her back later... or something... i think we were seeing what we can do on her burfday... so yeah, thea stopped by cuz she wanted to say hi, and since she was just returning the check-up with me.. hehe... we talked a lil' bit... she kinda told me about quan and her discussion the night before... and she said she misses being tight with me... yeah... =) ... so it was a 5 minute talk, but it was a cool chance to kit with her... =) that's so sweet though, just coming by the house to say hi and stuff... don't tell her i said that, yeah? umm... yeah, later on, i went to my other House to talk with my Dad... i've been spiritually dry and i needed to thank Him for giving me blessings and training to strengthen me... i just parked in fron of the parish hall, played my religious music, and just bawled... i mean, man... it just hit me how many times i forget about the Lord, and yet i try to get closer with Him... and i take each moment with Him for granted... it's like, yeah i'm spiritually-rejuvenated now... and then, it flakes off after i simply say a cuss word by accident... so yeah, i had a long talk with him... and then later, i met up with my old acquaintance, hoa... this one cool dude from retreat like 2 or 3 years ago... we talked about a lot of stuff... good times... i met his friend, something something, too... let's see... and yeah... let's move two days forward... maybe later... hehe
posted by J-Rard at 8:39 PM

To sum up my free blog: I'm still experiencing times of emptiness... But I know this is all challenge... If I ever fall, and can't find anything to grab on to, I know I can find guidance within my friends and family. Their love keeps me up... I also know I can look at the great things I have accomplished... I can also appreciate the beautiful things in life... But mainly, I just have to look to God... My Father, Brother, Friend, Savior... The list can go on and on! =) I love Him very much... For he has done nothing horrible to me... He has made me strong... Strong enough to face the trials that hit me. I love Him very much!

P.S. Man... The feeling's back... =/... Hehe... Oh well, I'll hang and chill this time... No pursuing unless if I feel it's okay to... =) But yeah, thanks to everyone who let me lean on them... I love all of you... I will do my best to be here for all of you... As a friend, a brother, a lover... Whatever you want me to be... Hehe... And Lord Jesus... You are the best! You're the Truest Friend... Mama Mary... I adore you, too... For you nurture me with an unconditional love... You are dear to me, Mama... =*)... song - lean on me
posted by J-Rard at 10:21 PM

In memory of the Columbia Voyagers
Commander Rick Husband
Pilot William McCool
Payload Commander Michael Anderson
Mission Specialist Kalpana Chawla
Missiong Specialist David Brown
Mission Specialist Laurel Clark
Israeli Payload Specialist Ilan Ramon

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens who created all these. He who brings out the starry hosts one by one and calls them, each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing."
-Isaiah
posted by J-Rard at 11:45 PM